This was several years ago, but this failure has really stuck with me and has even continued into my current relationship. My failures in my last relationship have given me these anxieties of not being good enough and just lacking self-esteem as a partner. I have definitely improved, but it’s been a long battle, and I am still learning more about myself every day.
Now that I’m not in it anymore, it’s plain to see that my last relationship was destructive, emotionally and mentally abusive, and just a waste. The thing I still fail to understand, though, is why I neglected to do anything about my happiness when I knew I was unhappy in the relationship. I just thought it was how it was supposed to be. My friends and family tried to talk me into leaving so many times, but I stuck around just being comfortably miserable, and once in a while I had a glimmer of hope that things would improve.
I’m not sure my boyfriend ever really loved me. He never went out of his way to do anything for me, but expected me to bend over backwards for him. The most he would do was thank me for “putting up” with him—so maybe he knew all along how he was treating me? I’ll never know.
Even after being emotionally manipulated, talked down to, ignored, and cheated on (I know of one time, but who really knows how many times it could’ve happened?) I failed to stand up for myself. Until the very end, that is. We had “taken a break”, so I’m sure it’s easy to guess how that went—I was a mess, didn’t eat, and developed TMJ, and he went out and slept around. We got back together and I was just not there, mentally. I was so fed up. But we still managed to stay together for another few months! I thought I needed extreme closure, I guess? I wasted so much time.
The only good thing to come out of this failure is the experience I gained, and I am reminded of that (in both good and bad ways) on an almost daily basis. I am reminded of it when relationship anxiety strikes me out of nowhere, leading me to question myself, and I am also reminded of it when I stand up for myself in situations where I never would’ve 7 years ago. All in all—yes, I failed. But I don’t regret it whatsoever. You learn a ton about yourself through failure and I am a testament to that.