I try to live my life without regret, but this failure has been consuming me. I’m not sure how I will move past it.
They say most affairs, especially within marriages, happen at the workplace or with coworkers. I now can attest to that. The thing is, my husband is in a career where he moves workplaces constantly, and I was always worried about the possibility of him cheating. It didn’t eat me up inside but it was always in the back of my mind. 3 of my last 5 relationships ended with my boyfriend cheating, so it was something I was used to. Not that I’m trying to rationalize my failure, but for what it’s worth…
I still can’t believe I did something like this. I could say I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but at the end of the day it was still all my fault. And I couldn’t keep it from my husband either. I have always been incredibly sensitive to guilt (I was raised that way) and this time was no different. I can’t keep anything from anyone.
The guy in question (I’ll call him Jake) asked me to grab a drink after work. He said a few other people from our department would be there, but I arrived at the bar to just him. I should’ve just left at that point but I stayed; he’s nice anyway and we’ve always gotten along in the office. I felt comfortable, just catching up and standard work gossip. Before I knew it, I’d had a few beers and I didn’t feel okay enough to drive home, and by that time my husband was asleep (he has to get up at 4am for work) so I was stuck waiting at the bar. Jake offered to take me back to his place instead of waiting. Again, I had another chance to get out of there but I didn’t. I could’ve called a friend. A taxi. Anything. In the moment I figured I’d be safe waiting until I was okay to leave.
It is painful to replay everything in my head over and over, but I can’t help it. I felt so comfortable in the moment and I’m not sure why, but it wasn’t worth this immense feeling of failure, heartache, and misery. My husband responded a lot more calmly than I thought he would, or than I would. We are trying to work things out for the sake of our daughter, but I just feel so gut-wrenchingly horrible. I’m trying to count my blessings and see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s proving to be impossible. I’ve failed myself, my marriage, and my family.